I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
