I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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