I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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