I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
