apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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