I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
