Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
