Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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