rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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