I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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