At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
