he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My feet surprised me
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