the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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