The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
