Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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