new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My bed smells like the plague
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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