Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
