Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
