How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
