I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
