Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
