so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
