maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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