I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
