True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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