Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
