Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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