It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
