i permit you to call me
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
