if you like me you must not know who I am
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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