Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
