i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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