I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
