I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
