You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
