I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
