im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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