Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
