i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm too high and old for this...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
