Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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