you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
