i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i need some magic done to my vagina
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize