I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize