Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
