Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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