There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
