mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
