You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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