I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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