I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
