How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
