i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
