A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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