My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
