I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
