I wish they made helmets for livers.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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