dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize