She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
