Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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