Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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