i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize