plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
